my 19th theory

I loved her so much I stopped recognizing myself

They say the person you fall deeply in love with at 19 will change your life in ways you don’t fully understand until much later.

Not just because of who they are, but because of who you become while loving them. And according to the “19th Theory,”

That kind of love is rarely simple — it’s often intense, confusing, sometimes toxic, and almost always unforgettable.

I don’t know if I believe in theories like that.

But I do know what I felt.

Composition

I loved her so much that the thought of intimacy never even crossed my mind.

And maybe that sounds crazy in a generation where everybody confuses lust with love so quickly.

But with her…

I genuinely just wanted to see her.

I used to sneak out in the AMs just to come to your house for a few hours before the world woke up.

Then sneak back home before my own parents noticed I was gone.

Looking back now, that’s actually insane because it was my very first time doing that.

Risking my life for somebody’s daughter at 2AM just to sit there and exist beside her.

But somehow it always felt worth it.

Even if all we did was scroll through your phone watching TikToks on Fruits for hours like we were studying for an exam on brain rot.

Or starting a movie we never ended up watching because one random conversation turned into a deep discussion about life, childhood trauma, music, dreams, and why one specific teacher seemed to hate us for no reason.

And honestly?

Those conversations meant more to me than anything physical ever could.

Challengers

I miss the stupid jokes you used to make.

The painfully unfunny ones you’d repeat until they somehow became funny.

The way you’d laugh before finishing your own joke because even you knew it made no sense.

I miss hearing your voice at stupid hours of the night.

I miss those small moments nobody else would understand the importance of.

Because love is never really about the “big” things people post online.

It’s the little things.

The comfort.

The routine.

The feeling of knowing somebody’s presence alone could make a bad day feel lighter.

And now that you’re gone, it’s weird how silent everything feels.

Movies end now.

TikToks aren’t as funny anymore.

Late nights just feel late.

American Honey

Now I know I’m not perfect.

I know there were moments I overthought things.

Moments I probably became difficult to love.

Moments where I let my emotions speak before my mind could process them properly.

But one thing I’ll never lie about is this:

I really did love you with all my heart.

Not temporarily.

Not conveniently.

Not only when things were easy.

I loved you in the ordinary moments.

In the unfinished movies.

In the deep conversations.

In the sneaking out at ungodly hours just to spend a little more time with you.

And for what it’s worth…

I still love you.